There has been a lot of talk about Hillary Clinton’s alleged health issues recently, given that she fainted in public and was said to have been suffering from pneumonia. Republicans are using this against her, asking how would she handle the day-to-day rigor of the presidency if she can’t even do a decade-long campaign without getting sick? Fair question.
Although it’s also fair to assume that her health issues have most likely been caused by the fact that she’s 68 years old and spending 20 hours a day on the campaign trail shaking hands, kissing babies, and slapping Bill’s dick out of the hands of every whore he meets along the way.
I don’t want to take sides. Both of them are just plain awful in their own special way, so I consider myself an unbiased juror in this trial of America’s Self Respect vs. Oh God We Actually Have to Pick One of Them.
That being said, I’m going to bring in my expert witness (yeah yeah I know jurors don’t do that, lawyers do. But in my court there are no rules, much like Judge Judy’s court and the court of public opinion). Your honor, I now call my expert witness to the stand… Mr. Web MD.
Doc Hog: Mr. Web MD, thanks for giving us some of your valuable time here today. Is it okay if I call you Web?
Web MD: I don’t give a shit.
Judge: Sustained. Watch yourself Mr. MD.
Web MD: My b.
Doc Hog: We appreciate the apology. Now Web, I’m wondering if you can help me identify the possible causes of some of the symptoms Mrs. Clinton has been experiencing. Do you think you can do that?
Web MD: It’s literally the only thing people use me for.
Doc Hog: Wonderful! The Clinton campaign issued a statement on September 11th – never forget – saying that Mrs. Clinton’s fainting spell was caused by pneumonia and dehydration. In your opinion, could either pneumonia or dehydration cause someone to faint?
Web MD: Well, yes. In fact, pneumonia can cause dehydration due to high fever and decreased thirst. Combined, they can lead to the individual passing out. But, I’d say even most non-experts know that if you’re sick you should be drinking fluids in order to avoid dehydration.
Doc Hog: So you’re saying it’s unlikely Mrs. Clinton was consuming the proper amount of fluids, despite knowing she was sick, leading to her dehydration and resulting in her fainting on camera.
Web MD: Most likely.
Doc Hog: And you’re also saying that even non-experts would know the importance of hydrating while sick, especially if you’re going to be at a 9/11 Memorial event, on camera, with millions of eyes watching you for an extended period of time.
Web MD: Yes. I’m essentially saying that you’d have to be a moron surrounded by a team of morons not to be drinking the appropriate amount of water when you know you’re sick and under those circumstances.
Doc Hog: Hmmmm… I’d say it might have something to do with the fact that one of her staff was quoted as saying “she won’t drink water, and you try telling Hillary Clinton she has to drink water.”
Web MD: What a moron.
Judge: Overruled. She refused to drink water despite being sick and water being one of life’s sustaining forces. I’d say that calling her a moron is based in fact. Now Mr. Doc Hog, any further questions for the witness?
Doc Hog: No further questions, Your Honor.
So what did we learn from the testimony of the expert witness, Web MD? I think the most important thing we learned is that if you’re a living human being, it’s pretty important that you drink water. Furthermore, if you’re a living human being who is also sick with pneumonia, it’s doubly important that you drink water so that you don’t become dehydrated, faint on camera, and severely hurt your chances of becoming president.
Just one last thing to consider before we leave here today: what if there is a legitimate reason that Hillary Clinton doesn’t consume water? What if water actually hurts her more than helps her? Maybe it would cause her to rust, or fry her circuit board, or… wait. Does this mean that Hillary Rodham Clinton could be a robot??? Just something to think about…